Talking Politics with Friends: A Step-by-step Guide

I don’t know the specific number of friends, let alone families, split by recent election results but my guess is it’s disturbingly large. People who shared upbringings and came of age together, through thick and thin, are torn apart by a red cap or lawn sign. It need not be this way.

We can have conversations about politics (and religion, for that matter) without it bringing out our “Jekyll and Hyde” tendencies. We must. To think otherwise is to paint a bleak picture. And with agreement on this we can tick off the first way to have these conversations: agree on something. Without some common ground we come out of our corner swinging with no idea why. There is nowhere to start if we have nothing we can agree on. Are you both morning people? Great, start there. Find it, then go on.

Next, it’s best to admit something we know, deep inside, to be true. We are fully enveloped in our own echo chamber. It may have always been this way: perhaps the cavemen disagreed over their version of the perfect buffalo drawing, suffering from their own echo cave. Undoubtedly it is worse now with no shared media to draw us together, but instead an algorithm sending us off a smug cliff. Best to admit this flaw is the basis of our arguments, it helps lower our “I know best” guard just a smidgeon and maybe that’s enough to keep this rolling.

Great start- if you’ve come this far you may have learned something about yourself already. Now it’s time to learn about the other side. Yes, believe it or not, they have ideas and reasons too! This step is difficult, rarely tried and prone to hideous failure – try anyway. Listen. That’s it, just shut up and listen to what the other side has to say. It could be ridiculous at first; you might think of three put-downs right away to “decimate” them with – hold, hold, hold. Just shut up and listen. Consider this if no other rationale helps to play this out: they might end up making a fool of themselves without any help whatsoever. See, schadenfreude can be motivational.

If you’ve come this far, you can possibly break through and keep your friendship not just intact but thriving. There’s just one more step to take before it can blossom into having someone to feed the pigeons with in your 70s. Go you! Prepare yourself though. Here it goes: help your opponent hone their arguments. Yes, you heard me, “steel-man” (or “steel-person”, whatever) their reasons –as opposed to straw-manning them– by helping them strengthen their arguments. Sounds crazy? But how better to walk in their shoes? This takes practice, listening, all the other steps that led you this far; it takes time and patience too, but the dividend is you will humanize the other side.

If you manage, some issues will start to seem more grey than black or white. That is a symptom of good relationships. There is no need for treatment. Knee-jerk responses might turn into pause-to-thinks, again you don’t need professional help. There is nothing wrong with you- you just happen to like your friends and family enough to put the effort into getting to know them and how they think. Who knows, maybe some of them will turn around and do the same back.

Good luck, and remember to keep your friends close; they know your secrets!